I ended my previous post with Kyle about to tell me something that would end up changing things. I was at work the morning he told me via text. He was extremely hesitant to tell me because he thought he would lose me. I coaxed him to fill me in though, so he did. It took him all day texting me. It was a very long story.

I can’t get into too many details (partially because this would be a massive, never-ending post, but also due to his privacy). I can say though that he had gone through some rough times, and still continued to go through them.

He was married before, and had children with his ex. She put him through a lot. There were also some work issues he had dealt with during this time. He was going through a lot with everything that was going on. So much so, that he seeked mental help for himself.

The help he got was a lengthy process. It was a lot of medications. Doctors would try him on one, and there were side effects or it wouldn’t work properly, so they would try him on another and another and another.

He ended up on several different medications. Because of this, he ended up in a depression. He lived with this depression on a daily basis. I felt awful for him. He thought he would lose me, but in reality, it just brought me closer to him. It wasn’t because I felt sorry for him, but because he trusted me enough to tell me his story…to help me know him better and know what he had been through.

He was relieved with my reaction. I was one of a very limited amount of people in his life. He lost a lot of people going through what he went through.

Very soon after this, maybe within a week, he texted me telling me he was having a bad day with his depression. Me, never dealing with anyone in this situation before, wanted to help him. I told him I would come over and see him, talk with him.

He said no. I argued that and told him that I was coming. I wanted to help. He very adamantly said no again. I didn’t understand why he was so adamant about it. If you’re sad, why wouldn’t you want your partner there to “lift you up” so to speak?

I didn’t end up going that day. He very much did not want me there, so I had to respect that in the end.

One thing about me is that I don’t handle rejection well. I know you’re thinking, well most people don’t. For me, it’s more than that though. I don’t know what it is, or why it is, but I have a very hard time with rejection. So when Kyle told me he didn’t want me to come over that day, I took it as a form of rejection.

Now, I know it wasn’t about me…or at least I know that now anyway. I also know I shouldn’t have even made it about me. It seems selfish, I know. It wasn’t meant to be though. Back then too, I didn’t know anything about mental health issues. He was the first person in my life who had them to this extent.

From that point on, he would have days where he would see me, and days where he refused to, depending on if he was down or not. It was very hard on me many times, but I know it was a million times harder on him to deal with what he was going through.

So I tried to be there for him on his dark days, via text. It’s the only way he would communicate with me on his bad days. A tad more insight on me…I’m a very positive, glass half full kind of girl, so I tried to tell him positive things. That did not work at all.

I found out very quickly that when he was down, he was down. There was nothing I could do to make it better for him. It was extremely difficult to handle. I’ve talked with people before who have gone through bad things like break-ups, struggles with their significant other, money issues, etc. You talk them through it and things can be worked out or you can at least make them feel a bit better about the situation. It wasn’t this way at all with Kyle.

I would ask him what was wrong, in hopes that I could try to talk him through it, but he would say “nothing in particular”. Some of you can maybe relate to depression, whether you’ve dealt with it yourself or know someone who has/had it. It’s not easy on them, of course, but it’s also not easy when you feel helpless and unable to do or say anything to make them feel better.

So, he and I had a very back and forth kind of relationship. He would push me away a lot. Because of my lack of understanding of what he was going through, mixed with me not handling rejection well, I got mad at him a lot. This provoked him to get mad and we ended up having some unpleasant arguments. I felt hurt when he would push me away. Unfortunately, hurt and anger seem to go hand in hand, which is why I would get mad.

This became routine. He would push me away, I would get hurt and therefore mad, we would fight, and then break up basically. Then about two weeks(ish) later, he would text me, we would talk and get back together again. It was an ongoing thing.

With that though, the D/s aspect was really good. I will get back to that good stuff in my next post, don’t worry! I know this post wasn’t about any of that “good stuff”, but this part of the story with Kyle had to be included.