This will, by far, be the most difficult post I will write in this blog. I have been dreading this one, but it’s part of my D/s story so I had to include it. I will warn you ahead of time though, this post is not about the sexual stuff at all.

As I mentioned in my last post, Kyle’s and my relationship was not always rainbows and unicorns. If you’ve read my previous posts, you know that he suffered from depression on a daily basis. It was very hard on him.

Our relationship lasted just shy of a year, but it was very on and off due to him pushing me away because of the depression. I didn’t handle it well because I took it as rejection. I had never dealt with mental health issues before with anyone in my life, so it was so new to me and it was very hard to deal with.

He would push me away, then he would text me about two weeks down the road and pull me back in again. I loved him and wanted to make things work so I came back. I didn’t just love him as a girlfriend, but I also just loved him as a person. He was a really good person who didn’t deserve what he was going through. Whew, this is hard to write.

He tried hard to get better. He would tell me of different things he had tried, was currently trying, or was going to try. I admired his will to fight for his life. Fight for his happiness. I wanted to help him so badly.

He only had three people actively in his life at the time that I knew him. I was one of those three. Out of those three, I think he opened up to me the most, by the sounds of what he told me. That made me sort of feel even more of a need to help him.

I did a lot of research online. I researched the medications he was on, I researched how to talk to someone who may be contemplating suicide and I researched potential places that could help him.

On top of all that, I talked to him about it whenever he needed or whenever he would let me in. As time went by, he let me in more and more.

There was even one day I sent the police to his place. I was at work that day. He was texting words to me that sounded like he was saying goodbye…permanently. He sounded suicidal.

I went to my work bathroom and started crying, begging him by text not to do anything. It wasn’t working.

I then started digging on the internet to find phone numbers for the other two people that were in his life. (For privacy purposes, I can’t disclose who they were.) I found the phone number for one of the people and called. The phone just rang and rang and there was no voicemail to leave a message.

I then dug up the other person’s phone number and they didn’t answer but I was able to leave a voicemail, so I did.

I was extremely worried, so that’s when I called the police. I told them how he was talking and they said they would send someone. I was completely terrified that he would never speak to me again, but it was worth it if it saved his life.

A couple hours later, he changed how he was talking. He was talking more positive again and seemed to be in better spirits. Oh crap. The police going to his place could set him right back to being negative again. So I called them back and basically begged them not to go there. They said they were obligated to for a call of that nature. Now I was really nervous.

After I was done work, the one person in his life that I had left the voicemail for called me back. I told them what was going on and they said that was a fairly normal thing for him and to listen to him but that there’s really not much I can do. I don’t recall, but I don’t think I told this person that I called the cops on him.

The next morning, I woke up to a text from Kyle. His exact words to me were “So, the boys in blue paid me a visit last night”. He knew it was me. Thankfully, he wasn’t all that upset with me about it.

After that, he would have his good days and his bad days, but mostly bad ones. One day he pushed me out of his life, again, and I was so angry with him. I was hurt. He did his usual text about two weeks(ish) later, wanting me back. This time, he said that no matter what, he wouldn’t push me away again. He wouldn’t end our relationship anymore. He said he was doing better now, because of something he had been trying that was working.

I wanted to believe him so I took him back. Things felt better…not perfect, but definitely better. Then one day, he said that the psychologist he had been talking to thought it wasn’t a good idea for him to have a girlfriend right now. Kyle ended things with me via text. I was very hurt, but very angry. He had promised me he wouldn’t do this again, and he did.

It took me some time to get over the anger and the pain. I checked in on him by texting one of the people in his life three weeks later. He wasn’t doing well at all. His depression was really bad again.

Then two weeks after that, he committed suicide. I will never forget that night. I found out at 10:00 PM, and I broke down in a way that I never had before. I was awake crying almost the entire night. It was the absolute worst night of my life.

The days, weeks and months that followed were very difficult. If you have lost someone in your life due to suicide before, then you may have gone through the ton of emotions I went through.

It started with anger, not towards him, but towards the situation. Then there was obviously extreme sadness. Then there was guilt (which I still somewhat have). Could I have done something more to prevent this? Maybe if I had never been in his life, he’d still be alive? If I hadn’t given him such a hard time when he pushed me away, would he still be here? Then I had the odd time where I felt anger towards him. Then I felt guilty because of that anger. It was an endless mix of emotions.

I refused to eat for days. I was purposely starving myself. I also had thoughts that I wanted to be wherever it was that he was. I didn’t want to kill myself but wanted to be with him, if that makes any sense at all. I didn’t want to be conscious. I just wanted to be anywhere where I didn’t have to think about it.

The emotions were horrible. I missed days of work and had no desire at all to go back. I was eventually coaxed back by my employer, but it was extremely hard for me.

I had to get through this though. If for nothing else, for my kids. If you have kids then you know that you have to pick yourself back up for their sake. You have to be strong whether you like it or not.

So I decided to talk to people. I talked to a couple people that had been through this before with a loved one. I talked to friends, family, anyone I could. I am not usually one to lean on people but I felt like that was all I could do to get through this.

It took a long time. It took me over a year before I could even drive in his area of the city again. It’s still a bit hard to drive there even though it’s been a few years now.

I now have a much better understanding of mental health, depression and suicide because of him. I learn something in every relationship I’m ever in, and that’s what I learned with him. I also learned patience and that sometimes, just because it feels like rejection, that it’s not about that or me at all.

That hardest part about his suicide, wasn’t that I loved him, it was that he was such a good person that didn’t deserve what he got. I truly hope he is in a better place now.

Until next time…