I haven’t posted in a couple of weeks. There are two reasons for that. One, I have had a lot going on in that time, busy busy. Two, I have been dreading this particular story.

As I mentioned at the end of my previous (Jake, The Ghost) post, this one is my very shameful, “hit rock bottom” experience in my submissive journey. It will be very difficult for me to share with you, but it’s an integral part of my story. Please try not to judge me.

Hm, where to begin. After Jake vanished, I felt rejected and confused, but our relationship had been very new, so it didn’t devastate me. I got back on the horse and created another profile on an online dating website. It was the G-rated type of profile this time, so my normal “regular girl seeking regular guy to date” type of one.

In comes Kevin. Now, obviously I don’t use the men’s real names here but part of the shame from this particular story is that I don’t actually remember this man’s name. I do remember it was a different type of name, one I had never heard before, but that’s no excuse. I should have remembered.

Kevin seemed very eager and nice in our messages online. It didn’t take long to switch to texting off the dating site. He was not shy either, and seemed confident, which is a big turn on for me.

It didn’t take long for us to arrange a first date. It was to meet at a busy public park on a nice summer day.

When I arrived at our set time, he was immediately very hands on with me. It was pretty overwhelming and not at all something I would have expected on a first meet. I was a little thrown.

Then at one point, he stopped and just kissed me and then picked me up. He then was telling me that he wanted to be exclusive with me, right then and there. I don’t even remember what my response was exactly because I was just so blown away by all of this, and not in a positive way. Like, “Slowww down, buddy!”

I know though that my response was a gentle one, saying something like “This is our first meet, so let’s just see where it goes first”. He didn’t love that response but we continued with the date.

We found a bench that was kind of off to the side but still had a fair amount of people nearby. We chatted for a bit there and then he started talking sexual and said see what you do to me? He then took my hand and put it on his crotch. I pulled my hand away instantly and kind of laughed it off.

He was very intense and it was way too much for me on a first date with someone, especially when it was just supposed to be an innocent date. It’s a very different scenario and mindset for me meeting someone for the first time through my G-rated profile as opposed to my R-rated (D/s) one.

After that, he again started pressuring me to become his girlfriend right then and there. I said not yet, and he then got very annoyed about it. The date was over at that point.

Unfortunately, we were parked close by each other, so we walked back to our cars beside each other, not a word spoken the entire time. It was extremely awkward. We said goodbye and I got in my car and drove away. I did not like that man, which adds to my shame of this story.

Now, you’d think it was done after that. Nope, it wasn’t. He messaged me not long after that. I told him it just wasn’t going to work. Then…he went Dom on me. Crap, my weakness (at the time, at least). He didn’t even know I was submissive, so it wasn’t any kind of act or ploy to get me to see him.

He said, “You are going to meet me at this hotel. You are going to wear a nice dress”. Something in me (that darn submissive side, damn her!) switched gears, and agreed with him.

He picked a hotel in my area, and told me that when I got there, I was to come up to the room he was in, and as soon as that door was closed, I was to go down to my knees, undo his pants and…well you know, perform oral on him. I told him I would do as instructed.

Now, the hotel he picked was one that I knew, but had never been to. It was a sleezy type of hotel. It was one of those hotels that I’m pretty sure you can rent by the hour, if you know what I mean. This was one of the biggest shame factors for me. I am not the sleezy type by any means. The opposite in fact. Knowing the hotel before going to it made me hesitate, but in the end I still went. Yes, I know, stupid me.

So, I put on a classy, but sexy form-hugging dress, some cute heels and went on my way. I got there, went inside, and instantly felt way out of place. It looked even worse than I imagined it would on the inside. Sleezeville. What the heck was I doing?? I thought to myself. But I continued. I went up the stairs and got to his room.

I knocked on the door and he answered it promptly. He let me in and stood at the door with me directly in front of him, silently waiting for my “introduction” that I was to do.

I dropped to my knees. I then undid his belt, then pants button and finally the zipper. I pulled out his cock, and did as I was supposed to do. I imagine he loved the power trip of that.

Then, after a bit of that, we made our way to the bed and he didn’t waste any time getting exactly what he wanted. It was a lengthy session of him putting me in any position he wanted and just simply having his way with me.

When I say he got exactly what he wanted, it was because he was all about himself pleasure-wise. I should have introduced him to Jake (he he).

As soon as the sex was done, I got out of there as quickly as I could. I immediately felt extreme shame for several reasons, that I’ve mentioned throughout this post, but I’ll go through them again.

I felt the shame of going to a hotel to meet a man who I didn’t even like. A man who did not impress me at all on our first meet. I felt the shame of meeting said man at a sleezy hotel. I felt the shame of being sexual with him. I felt the shame of not being myself. Lastly, I felt the shame of letting my submissive side leading me into that situation. It showed me how strong that side of me is, but it wasn’t a good thing in that experience.

Things changed for me that day. Up to that point, I was okay with having D/s experiences with different Doms. I wanted the experience, and craved it even. That was the reason I did it. But, I was done. I hated myself for doing that, that day. Who was that? I didn’t recognize myself and I didn’t like that I could even fathom doing something like that.

Kevin wanted to continue things after that but I obviously did not. I said goodbye to him that very day. I could not and would not do anything like that again. I had a fair amount of submissive experience for myself at that point and didn’t need to pursue it anymore anyway.

Time to find my forever…